My National Lampoon’s Venezuelan Vacation

Hey dojo clan, it’s been a long time. I was out for a couple weeks due to a trip back to Meritza’s homeland. We went to Venezuela, home to Ms. Universe, the Orinoco, Amazons, Hugo “loco” Chavez, Chino y Nacho, and more. It was a great trip where I didn’t think once about work or bills, which explain why I am filled up with major anxiety and feel like I have no time in the day, to get things done. We ate lots of good food traveled a few states and spoke lots of Spanish. Well, we ate tons of arepas, drove through the mountains for five hours and habla espanol poquito.



The trip started off with a blast! Meritza’s family lives in Merida, Merida. Merida is a state and Merida City is the capitol of the state. The state is located in the southwest, close to Columbia, in the Andes Mountains. It took us two days to get there. The first day we flew from Boston to Atlanta and then Atlanta to Caracas. Meritza’s dad picked us up from the Areopuerta, in Caracas, and escorted us to the hotel. I hear Caracas is very, very dangerous. The hotel was not in the nicest areas with graffiti and a gate. This was also my first lesson on flushing toilet paper down the toilet. That was a no no. In essence, my first action in VE was clogging up the toilet. The second day, we woke up at 4:00 am (four hours of sleep) by the crowing of roosters, to take another plane from Caracas to a town 45 minutes outside of Merida City. Brutal!

We finally arrived in Meritza’s town and let me tell you, the city is beautiful. The city is in a valley so at night, the homes in the higher mountains look like stars when their lights are on. Merida is a small city but is a hustling and bustling city. Most of the cars are economy sized, including the taxis. There are tons of taxis and they all have plus 300K miles on them. There are no stop signs and everybody drives like a mad man. There are also tons of people riding scooters or bikes and they weave in between all cars and avoid all red lights. Most of the city is old. I went to the bano and noticed a urinal from the 1950’s. No joke. They have three American food chains there, McDonalds (of course), Subway, and ……….Church’s Chicken!!!! I couldn’t believe it. I heard Wendy’s opened up for a month but wasn’t successful.

We went to VE during Meritza’s birthday. Meritza’s father threw a party in her honor the second night of our arrival. The party had a total of 100 guests. They were all part of Meritza’s family! Her dad has 13 brothers and sisters and her mom has a few as well. Those siblings have children and so forth. Meritza’s abluelos y abuelas were in attendance as well. I was nervous once the guests started to arrive but I put on the charm and met everybody. I could only say a few sentences. “Hello”, “my name is Scott….. What’s yours?” “Nice to meet you” “see you later” “good night”. I tried my best to speak without Meritza but it was rough. Survival mode kicked in and I found out 4 people could speak some English, so I stuck with them.

Meritza and I stayed in Venezuela for two full weeks and had a great time. Well I did, but it was stressful for Meritza because she got involved in her family’s business. Meritza got in arguments with her parents and siblings but I was oblivious to what was going on because of the language barrier. In fact, I was oblivious to everything going on. Meritza would be fighting with her father but I couldn’t tell until she spoke in English, in front of her parents, and said to me “I hate him [her father]” or “He [her father] is so stupid”. Speaking of not knowing what was going on, most of the time I had to ask Meritza “what are we doing?” or “where are we going?” or “why did everybody just leave?”. I felt like I needed an itinerary!



During the two weeks we mostly went to each relative’s house to visit with them. Every time we went to a relative’s house, it felt like we were royalty and they were expecting us for days. We would go to her Tia’s for lunch and she would have a big meal waiting for us. Then her Tio for dinner and it was the same deal. The meals were gigantic serving pollo, arepas, azzoz, you name it. Everybody had arepas and they were served for breakfast lunch and dinner. Once they dished it out, you had to eat it or it was an insult. You had to have seconds too! One cousin or second cousin or I don’t know how he was related but his name was Carlos. He was eyeing me from the minute we arrived. His family started serving food and he wanted to see if I liked a special sauce he made. He forked a potato dipped it in the sauce and stuffed it in my mouth. I played along but then he did it again and I had to tell him to hold on or I won’t be able to eat my dinner. Next he served me chicken and it was great. I started to pick it up and eat with my hands. I was showing him “look Carlos, this is good and I’m sucking the bone.” He ripped it out of my hands and put another one on my plate!

Besides the language barrier, VE felt like a normal country….except for the overwhelming presence of their leader. Most of the people, I talked to, don’t like him and think he is crazy. Also, although a typical country, there were some things that were just a little bit different, then the USA. For instance, as I mentioned earlier, there was no stop signs, you can’t throw TP down the toilet, the buildings were old, the cars were smaller, their coffee is smaller and weaker, turning on the water in the showers was confusing, and there was no cars parked in the car dealerships. I watched the Celtics vs. Lakers on the Space Channel, a channel that played all American shows, but could see the TNT logo in the corner. I heard Steve Levy speaking on Sports Center but they overlapped translators on top of him.

All in all, this was an experience of a life time. However, we will try to make it out there again. We are shooting for next year. Venezuela was great but it really isn’t a place for American tourism. Mainly cause there is no security. Hugo kicked out the American Embassy and there wasn’t too many police that I saw. I saw police and military personnel in the Airports and at these little check points on the road but it seemed they were there for show. They don’t write tickets and when we slowed down for the check points, they were checking their crackberrys and iphones. All they really cared about was drugs. Smuggling that is. In fact, I joked around with Meritza and her family calling VE the Wild Wild West. That’s what it felt like. All the homes had gates and electric fences, no stop signs, no police, protect yourself, get a gun.

It felt good to be coming home. We were there for two weeks. I could have stayed for a month but I was not sad to come back. The second part of the trip was traveling back towards Caracas. We drove through the mountains and across three states to visit with more family. The night before we left, Merida, we went to a dance club with her brother and sister. It was a good time but I must have had dirty ice in my whiskey and coke because for the rest of the trip I caught a stomach virus. The pain was so so and 5 minutes after a meal I had to use the restroom. I guess I know how Quintana and Tucci feel. The day before we left, we said our goodbyes and flew from Barquisimeto to Caracas. We stayed in a hotel that night. I finally had my first semi good feeling shower and flushed a couple pieces of TP down. The next day we flew out of Caracas to Atlanta. As soon as we landed in ATL I was greeted by a Starbucks. I finally got my grande coffee. A couple hours later we landed in Boston. Thank God!!

……………………………..Also one more thing, you could tell not too many Americans come by because when I spoke English people did double takes. I would mess with the little ninos and say “hello” or “what’s up” and they would stare at me or look at me as if I was a god. Funny stuff.