Once again Bill Simmons, "The Sports Guy," has shown all his proverbial cards to the world. This time, lambasting the careers of movie stars by analogizing them with the theatrics of NBA starting-lineup introductions. With stretches like this, how is Simmons not playing first base in the majors?

Link to: "The Movie Star" by Bill Simmons

He focuses his pointlessness on Ryan Reynolds and how he's a decent actor but has never carried a successful film. He also goes on to say that almost everyone thinks Will Smith is the biggest movie star in the world, Chris Evans will suck as Captain America and that every Luke Wilson movie is terrible, but let's focus on how clueless Simmons is one erroneous statement at a time.

Simmons lists a bunch of Reynolds' films, citing how a lot of them have not been box office hits, even though he performed admirably in them. This would be true except for the tedious little fact that . . . it's not.

Yes Green Lantern under performed but Simmons, the true pro that he is, goes on to say that the film Definitely Maybe, which Reynolds starred in and carried, barely made back its budget. The film cost $7 million to make and grossed over $55 million. Last time I checked, an 800% profit margin was pretty good even in this economy. Stellar fact checking Simmons, a "Magic 8 Ball" is a more reliable source than you.

More Mensa quality research comes with the declaration that Reynolds' best performance came in 2009's Adventureland, a statement in which you can actually peel off the self-congratulatory sentiment for Simmons having seen and referenced a lesser-known film. He conveniently skips right over films like Chaos Theory and The Nines because, and I'd bet all 27 Yankees World Series rings on it, he's never seen them. Chaos Theory is an even lesser known film, but undoubtedly Reynolds' best performance, it's not even close. But to know that, one would have had to actually done a thorough job, and by Simmons' standards only movie nerds visit meager sites like IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes. Way to have your finger on the pulse of society!

He goes on to discredit other movies stars just because they have not made another chapter in a franchise he's familiar with in the last few years. But the most egregious violation, and what embarrassingly show's that Simmons is holding nothing more than a pair of two's, is that he actually writes that National Lampoon's Van Wilder is not funny. Not only did Reynolds carry that movie fresh off of Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place, not only did it only cost $5 million to produce and take in over $38 million, but it is slowly starting to be realized as the Animal House of the 21st century. If you're the type of person who can watch that film and not laugh, then I definitely want you groped by TSAs every time you step even one foot into an airport. Actually you should just be thrown directly onto the "do not fly list," because people with zero sense of humor scare me the most. And by the way, Animal House only made $276,000 in its first weekend. I guess Simmons should tell all the actors who were in it that they made a flop.

The poignant and hilariously ironic part of this article though is that Simmons spends all this time declaring the qualifications of a movie star, but I wonder if someone wrote a column decreeing who is and is not a legitimate journalist, what side of the fence would they place Simmons?

Actually I don't wonder, I already know.